Throughout our 27 years of marriage, so many have asked us, how do we do it? How do we have such a beautiful marriage? First of all, we have to be honest and admit that they don't always see the messy side of things. We definitely have our tough moments, but what it boils down to for us is 2 things really. Number 1 is God! Without him in the middle of our marriage, (meaning we both have an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, and prayer, worship, and church attendance are vital parts of our marriage), we would be a mess. Most people look out for themselves, but Christ calls us to do more than that. He calls us to lay down our lives for one another and love and serve each other deeply, and that is definitely our #1 secret to marriage success.
Number 2...Intentionality! That probably sounds so simple but it's true for us. We have always told our kids, "whatever you feed, grows" and the same is true for marriage. If you are intentional with your marriage and don't neglect it for years, it will reward you in later years when your kids are grown and it's just the 2 of you. One of our goals in our marriage is that we didn't want the kids to grow up and out and end up looking at each other like strangers. We didn't want to invest ALL we had in our kids then one day wonder what happened to us, as a couple! So we have worked hard to fight against that!
One of the ways we have fought that is with our time & money! Instead of pouring money into material goods (well, we've done that a little too ;-), we have spent more money on our marriage. How do you do that, you ask? Well, we started with date nights when the kids were babies. We made plans to get a sitter & go out at least once a month together (which seemed hard to do when they were babies), or put them to bed early & snuggle up on the couch together and watch a movie weekly. Sometimes we couldn't afford to go out, so we created a fine dining experience right at home, and those were some precious memories. But we always held our marriage in high regard and knew it was more important than owning a fancy house or car or anything else (not that there's anything wrong with that, but we just were in a position where we had to choose one or the other). We intentionally planned getaways (mostly with my husband's job at the time), where we would NOT take the kids! That was really hard as a new mom, to leave my babies for a few days or a week, but we knew they were in good hands (Thank God for amazing grandparents), and that getting away to reconnect (away from home) was essential for a healthy marriage. We spent more time and money and energy on our marriage than we did on material goods, and we have zero regrets about that! We have gone on a trip together (just the 2 of us) at least yearly, if not several times a year, for 25 or our 27 years together. And if you knew the budget we lived on, you'd be shocked and wondered how we did that, but it was just a priority to us, so we made it happen!
So getaways, date nights, and also...marriage conferences!!! We have also attended a marriage class/workshop/conference for about 22 of the 27 years of our marriage. Some were super cheap, and some were costly enough that we had to make monthly payments, but all were beneficial to us and grew our marriage in ways we can't even begin to express! We intuitively knew then that "whatever you feed, grows", especially since we had a visual of this watching our kids eat us out of house and home and grow so fast! Then along came Adventures in Marriage and Hope Weekend through Live the Life, and we truly will never be the same again! The communication tools we learned, the love that was poured into us, the knowledge we gained, and the opportunity to practice what we were learning right in front of a coach, who then helped us along and gently redirected our mistakes...was GOLD!!! It has catapulted us into another level of our marriage that we didn't even know existed. Our bond is so much deeper and stronger than ever and we finally truly believe that with the tools, we could literally discuss any "hot topic" and get on the other side of it in a healthy way, more bonded and connected than when we began!
Being intentional to put our marriage first (yes, even above the kids), has blessed us in so many ways. And not only us but also our kids! We knew our kids were picking up on this when about April, each year, they would ask us if we were going to get away together and also ask where we were going. Then if we didn't have plans, they began to encourage us to get away together. Not so they could have the house to themselves and party (LOL), but they literally could see that when we went away together, we came back refreshed and reunited in our commitment to one another and that gave them security. Then finally on our 22nd anniversary, our kids did something extraordinary for us, that we will never forget. They wrote 22 things they love about our marriage on little adorable construction paper hearts and posted it all over our home for us to find!! (Cue the tears!) We still have those precious hearts posted up in our home today. It made us realize the impact we were making on our kids. Not only were we giving them security but we were teaching them what a marriage should and can look like. Of course they saw us argue some, but they always saw us come out on the other side of it reconciled and more committed than before, knowing disagreements can actually bring connection.
So just to recap, here are a few ways you can practice being intentional in your marriage, in the little things and big things:
Put your spouse first, before the kids. Don't let your kids interrupt your time together or your conversation, if possible. Show your kids what honoring and serving your spouse looks like (especially when you're tired and don't feel like it)
Get away together often and make each other a priority (by a weekly date and yearly getaway, even if its just to the next town over for a night)
Find a marriage retreat or class to attend (If you are looking for a fun class, with a lot of practical communication skills, that you can put to use immediately, check out Adventures in Marriage at www.aimclasses.org
And lastly, don't let the busyness and chaos of life take over and steal your marriage. Make 2023 the year of Intentionality in your Marriage!
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